There is a very pervasive idea in the West about Asian women: we are subservient. Other words used to describe us are submissive, docile, obedient, meek, complacent, mild, and gentle. This is the classic image of an Asian woman: a petite China Doll with a permanent trace of a smile, head slightly bowed, eyes peeping out over a fan…what a shy, vulnerable little thing. Something like this:
China Doll waiting to serve her husband.
Tiger Wife plotting revenge on husband's enemy.
Before I go on, I’d just like to make an important note that this is strictly my own take on the issue and I don’t want to generalise about Asian women more than the media already seems to have done. Being an Asian woman myself, and being married to a white man, this whole matter of what Asian women are purportedly like through Western eyes is very personal to me. I have read many articles that discuss the benefits and shortcomings of intercultural relationships (like this one), the merits of Eastern marriages (this one), and even an article about Asian trophy wives (this controversial one from the American version of Marie Claire). I don’t think any of them do justice to what Asian women are like in real life.
I’m not going to pretend to know what Asian women are like as a whole (and just as a side note: “Asian” in this case mostly refers to East Asian, i.e. those from a Confucian background). I will speak from my own experiences and why I think Asian women are wearing the seemingly mutually exclusive tags of “submissive” and “dominant” at the same time.
Are we really submissive?
My husband likes to tell me what to do. He has a dominant personality. I don’t particularly like being told what to do. But I listen, most of the time. Does this make me submissive? Perhaps. But here is why. I don’t like arguments. I hate fights. I find that during fights, we often lose the idea of what we were fighting about in the first place. We start making accusations, bringing up old feuds, and giving each other the silent treatment. I like having a harmonious household. If giving my husband his way means I get to have a peaceful time, that’s great. If he likes having his sweaters folded in a particular way that I’m not accustomed to, I do it his way because frankly I don’t really care how the sweater gets folded as long as it gets done. Maybe I’m lucky because his way is usually more efficient than the convoluted way I do things. When he says, “Let’s do something this way”, I don’t really think I am submitting to him because I agree to do it. So what does “submissive” really mean? Does being “easygoing” mean “submissive”?
I think in a healthy relationship, someone has to be the “dominant” one and someone has to be the “submissive” one. I’m not particularly dominant so I think I just fell into the “submissive” role. If both husband and wife want to be the boss, the marriage just wouldn’t work. Likewise, you can’t have two people both submitting to each other or else nothing gets done. Not being the dominant one doesn’t make me unhappy. My husband happens to have a dominant personality and he should be able to keep that.
Being “submissive” actually has a lot of advantages. Dominant people often think they know how to do things better, and they want things done their way…so I let them do it. Here’s an example. I like to think the kitchen is my domain, but sometimes my husband encroaches upon it, as it were. So one day I was preparing a meal for us, and he comes waltzing in, trying the sauce, looking at what I’m chopping, and so on. Then he goes, “Honey, I don’t think you should be chopping the carrot like this.”
Me: “Alright, master, please show me how it should be done.” (I hand over the knife)
Him: “So, you should try and get the carrot into little pieces, like so…” (Chopping meticulously)
Me: “Ooohh, is that so?” (Opening a bottle of wine and pouring myself a glass)
Him: “Yep, and with these potatoes here, this is what you should do…”
Me: “That looks great…” (Backing out of the kitchen with my glass of wine, going to the lounge room)
Him: “Blah blah blah…” (I’m not listening at this stage as I’m busy enjoying my glass of wine, sitting with my feet up)
You see? When you “submit”, you give them power to perform things that otherwise you would need to do. It was a great meal, thank you very much.
So there you have it. Are Asian women submissive? Perhaps they are, just to make their lives easier for themselves. Asians (not just the women) like peace. We like balance in the household. And balance is achieved when the naturally dominant person leads, and the person who couldn’t really give a damn follows. 
Are we aggressive?
We don’t typically pounce on people a la Wendi, no. But I do think Asian women have a certain strength about them that the usual “China Doll” image doesn’t reflect. As I have said before, family is the ultimate priority for most people of Asian ancestry. No Asian person will tolerate their family being harmed. That is not to say a Western person is not equally protective of their family. But I am speaking from an Asian point of view and from my experience I can say this much: Asian women will go to any lengths to make sure their family is protected. My mother is an example that comes to mind, and there are other aunties I know who will do anything for their families. As my mum likes to say again and again, “My home and my family is my castle, and anyone who tries to harm them will not go away unscathed.” And I saw this when I was growing up in New Zealand: my mother, with her limited English, will use any way possible to get things done for us. Her sense of determination and willpower really is quite unmatched. There is a definite notion that she will get what she wants, and no one will stand in her way.
So how can you be submissive and aggressive at the same time?
This all comes down to the Asian idea of “internal” and “external”. Like I said previously, being “submissive” in the house (“internal”) is one good way to keep the peace. It gives your household a balance. But when you are outside, in the “external” world, there are a bunch of obstacles that will stand in your way. You need to get your armour on in order to protect you and your family’s interests. I know this all sounds kind of abstract. But if you’ve ever heard an Asian woman arguing with another woman at the butchers over that last kilo of pork tenderloin, you will know what I mean. You cannot back down or else your children will not be able to have that succulent pork, and without that piece of pork, they will not be able to study hard and go to university and be a really awesome doctor. You see?
Last words
The thing about Asian women, well, about any woman of any ethnicity, is that they are more complicated than Madonna/whore, China Doll/Tiger Wife. You can’t generalise. But stereotypes are often based on truth. So what is this “truth”? This truth is that Asian people raised in a Confucian culture know that each person has their own unique role in the household. These roles are there to keep the harmony. To “submit” doesn’t render you powerless or weak. It simply gets things done without too much of a hassle.
